So, what is it like to wake up in the middle of your life?
While I have been very open about this journey and how my life has changed since September, I allowed some negativity, drama, and gossip to drive the bus for a bit. I have let go of that story and feel back on track. To resume the blog, I wanted to share about all the wonderful ways my life has changed in the past few months.
I am a completely different human being today than I was four months ago. In Dr. Nicole LePera’s book, “How to do the work” she discusses the vast changes that can occur after you experience your own “dark night of the soul”. Everything that I knew about myself, my life, my purpose, my soul before all of this happened, has changed. I had lunch with a friend recently and she said, “I have to tell you, I give you a lot of credit for completely changing your life”. I wanted to dismiss the comment and move on, because my instinct was to say “nah, it’s not all that”. In reflection, I’ve realized that yes, it is “all that”.
First, I laid my “superhero” status to rest. I no longer feel the irritating, upsetting, and stressful “drive” every single day to beat an unattainable goal. I was accustomed to setting unrealistic goals for myself, busting my ass to get it done, and when unable to keep up, I would spend massive amounts of time beating myself up for not being enough. I grew up with the understanding that achievement and accomplishment equated to praise, even if the goals were vastly out of reach; praise equated to love.
I have slowed all the way down. I did not understand what the phrase “give yourself grace” meant. When my parents died, so many people told me, “Slow down, give yourself grace”. I remember thinking, “I mean, I am. I took a week off from work…” I felt like a frazzled mess always running from here to there, fearful that stopping would mean disaster. This is no longer my life. I have time that I have never had before because I am allowing myself to have it. I understand now that when I used to feel the burnout creeping in, and I would “slow down”, it would only be enough to inhale that last sip of air. As soon as the difficult thoughts and feelings returned, I was on the move again.
I play. Every single day, I make time for play. Whether play is a Nerf gun war, board game, dance party or Nintendo face off, I am there. Interacting with my kids instead of reacting to them has been a parenting game changer. Did I read with my kids? Yes. Did I play with my kids? Sometimes, however, I was always thinking three or four steps ahead of the moment we were in. While sitting on the floor reading for example, I would try to recall the last time I vacuumed, or was that the task to complete after reading? Now I am free and able to drop into the snow with my kids and howl with legitimate joy while we make snow angels.
Since September, I have become a more devoted spiritual being, invested in manifesting, aligning with the cycles of the moon, and working with my own energy to bring clarity and focus to my life. I have always been a spiritual person and a student of energy and the universe. Exposure to organized religion for me was attending church with the family I stayed with over the weekend for a sleepover. While I did not always understand the modern-day connections to the religious foundations of the past, I certainly felt the energy. Whether your faith is with God, the Divine, Spirit, or the Universe – it really does not matter. What matters is that you believe in something. I had no idea just how out of alignment and unhealthy I was.
I took healing into my own hands. I meditate every single day. Whether I listen to healing frequencies or silence, it is in the stillness of breathing that I have had the most sincere and incredible life revelations. It is truly amazing what you can hear when you change the volume settings inside of your brain. In scientific studies, it has been proven that a routine meditation practice has the capacity to rewire neuropathways in your brain. I am proof that it works.
In addition to practicing yoga every single day, I find time to honor my creativity. I write, color, and work on craft projects with the kids. I dance and read. I have allowed myself the time and space to welcome these activities into my daily routine.
I trust myself. I am leaning into my own intuition and realizing that I have the answers already and do not need validation or to seek the opinion of someone else to feel like I am worthy or on the right track. I am showing up for myself in ways I never allowed before, which creates the solid foundation of trust. I have spent four months completely devoted to learning who I am; becoming my own best friend.
And finally, I eliminated alcohol from my routine. I was working hard on changing my relationship with alcohol before my mental minute. However, after losing touch with reality for almost an entire week, I will never voluntarily expose myself to a substance that could cause “black out”. In forty-four years, the day I came out of the brain fog was by far the most frightening day of my life.
There is a time every single day where I stop and ask myself, “is this real”? Then I remember that I left the police department, that I am working hard to restructure what healthy means, and I have been given a second chance to live my life in the capacity that I am capable.