Saved the best for last

I saved the biggest and most profound change for its very own post.

I.

Stopped.

People.

Pleasing.

The biggest, most life altering change I have made since September, is I no longer live my life desperate for the approval, validation, and love of others.

For the longest time, I would jump through hoops to please every person I met. I was always trying to go above and beyond. I would aim for extra; always desperate to impress someone. It didn’t matter if I did mind, or yes, I was worried about it. It did not matter if yes, I actually was inconvenienced or yes, that did hurt my feelings. All that mattered was making people happy…. solving whatever dilemma was in front of me as quickly as possible so everything could go back to “normal”.

Only, I’m not entirely sure I ever knew what “normal” was.

It wouldn’t matter if I was exhausted, sick, anxious, not feeling my best, worried, stressed to capacity, had a difficult interaction with someone, had a tough day at work, had a lot going on at home, or a lot going on in my life in general. I would put all of it aside if it meant making anything and everything easier for someone else. When I solved problems, I received praise and love. I quickly learned that love and praise were dependent on my solutions.

Was my favorite color actually the color I liked? Why did I vote Republican all those years? Do I actually enjoy running? Do I know what my dreams are? What would I choose to do if I had twenty-four hours with zero commitment to anyone but myself? What sports teams do I genuinely like? Do I like sports? What activities do I like to do? Did I enjoy partying, or have I always just needed social reassurance? How much of my identity was formed by my desire to be pleasing?

I am not alone in this battle. My generation is made up of kids who were told how to act, how to speak, what to say and what not to say, what to wear, how to eat, what to eat. Being the child of a 50’s born parent meant complying with “old school” social norms. Our parents did not grow up in a time where individuality was respected and encouraged, therefore, they all worked hard to ensure we “fit” into society. This is evidenced by the MASSIVE amount of forty-somethings with disordered eating, body image crisis and body dysmorphia. I no longer force my body into any kind of category. I am who I am, built the way I am built.

When I stopped people pleasing, I stopped living my life for someone else’s expectations. I stopped conforming to the demands of “social norms”, such as social media. One of the most freeing activities I have ever participated in was removing social media “friends” who were never real-life friends. Social media has convinced us that we have bonds with people that require us to be connected all the time and this is 100% untrue. How many of us know without relying on Facebook, when the birthdays of our friends and even family are? I will even give you credit if you can name the month. If another human being cares for you and your well-being, they will show you. They will spend thirty seconds to send a text to check in on you. Actions are what make and break relationships in real life; hiding behind social media for friendship is not. It is true that tough times, good times, devastating times, and transitional times are when you learn who your people are. That is when you learn about who is and who never was a member of your village.

However, I digress, social media and friendship is another post entirely.

When I wake up in the morning, I no longer jump into action serving others. I place my hands on my heart and bow my head with gratitude that I woke up, refusing to take any day given to me for granted. The energy that I give first thing is to myself.

What does all of this mean now?

First and foremost, I left my career of first responder services after twenty years. I had been unhappy with the environment for quite some time and was staying for fear of health insurance changes. I would say, “when you have a kiddo with complicated medical needs, good insurance is a requirement”. However, the service of my career was no longer serving me. First responders are selfless humans to begin with, when you no longer feel that your service fills your heart, it is time to move on.

And you will be ok.

I have committed to structuring my day around myself and my family and then branching out from there. What do I need today? What do my kids and family need today?

I finally moved myself up on the priority list and in doing that, I have met myself all over again.

Listen, it is easy to feel like shit. It is easy to complain about the job that’s not working or the marriage that’s failing, or the way your new jeans don’t fit. It is much easier to beat yourself up about what you ate last night than it is to acknowledge it was what you needed in the moment and move on. We are always having conversations about what is not working, what is stressful, what is bothering us. We are so used to feeling terrible, that feeling great not only becomes a life goal, but feels out of reach.

I have committed to having difficult conversations, although this one is still a work in progress. I have lived my life so TERRIFIED of hurting someone else’s feelings that I constantly sacrifice my own. When I “woke up” and realized the most important relationship I have in this world is with myself, EVERYTHING changed. If you take nothing from my blog, please, please take this…Spend the five minutes of difficult now to avoid years of pain later.

For the very first time, I am living my life on my terms.