C-PTSD
As with all of my posts, this could be triggering.
It is not solely one thing or another that creates and causes “complex post-traumatic stress disorder” (C-PTSD). It’s not just working in first responder services, or the end of a relationship or having a kiddo with special needs. It's not just early teenage trauma, or feeling uneasy as a child. It’s a little bit of all of it permeating into your psyche all of the time, spread out over time.
When one minor situation arises, let’s say for example that my son was balancing on a chair and fell. My response is a combination of terror and anxiety. Knowing what could happen is screaming in my head when I say, “MAX!!” He thinks he is in trouble, but my brain is preparing for this situation to quickly tumble downhill…why? Because that’s what I am used to. That is what my body and brain have adjusted to. I literally do not know how to approach something neutrally (well, I am learning that now). Reassuring Max that he is not in trouble reinforces to myself that I had an exaggerated reaction. Is that because I fell off of a balancing chair when I was seven and know how dangerous it is? No. It's because I am in a constant state of emotional dysregulation because of my repeated exposure to trauma. None of my reactions make sense.
Into my trusty Google search bar, I typed “cptsd” and hit enter.
My first reliable, non-sponsored source of information for c-ptsd in this country was the 13th search result. According to the information found on the government's page for "Veterans Affairs", cptsd is,
“re-experiencing the traumatic event(s); avoidance of thoughts, memories, activities, etc. that serve as reminders of the event; and persistent perceptions of heightened current threat. Individuals are considered to have complex PTSD if they meet these symptoms and in addition endorse 1) affect dysregulation, 2) negative self-concept, and 3) disturbed relationships” …
https://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/treat/essentials/complex_ptsd.asp
I often joke with my therapist at the beginning of a session that I am going to spin the “wheel of trauma” to decide what to discuss. Is it the way I was groomed for a relationship at 13? Is it the severe body dysmorphia I have carried with me since that same time? Perhaps it’s the addiction to dieting, or exposure to horrific situations spanned over twenty years of a career that I never talked about? The sexual assault, emotional abuse, or death of my parents?
My point is, like a cardiac event, burn out does not always occur from one symptom. It’s a combination of them that overloads the person’s brain and nervous system. When I was 10, my father had his first major heart attack. Having survived it, he changed his life completely. He quit smoking, stopped consuming alcohol, gave up every food linked to elevated cholesterol and developed a strict exercise regimen. He used his second chance at life, to live it. Leaving my career in dispatching allows my brain to settle down. The space that has cleared in my head allows me to listen more intently and be present for myself. The healing has truly begun.
The following are a few brutally honest, uncensored examples of living with CPTSD.
On an afternoon that my toddler daughter and I were coloring with chalk on our small driveway, she waddled her toddler self away from me. I tossed the chalk and got up, catching up to her before she reached any sort of danger; her “escape” lasted less than fifteen seconds. As I scooped her up and held her tightly, I saw the entire scene play out in my head. I saw her being hit by a car and being taken from me. I saw the police, ambulance, and a funeral. I saw grief and fear. Not only did I live with a constant fear of losing her; I lived in a constant fear of losing her and it being my fault. In the psychology world these are known as “intrusive thoughts”.
I didn’t sleep for days after that.
I could physically see my daughter in front of me. She was happy, healthy, smiling, all the things. However, my brain and body hunkered down prepared for survival, so I felt edgy, jumpy, irritable, scattered, scared.
And another example….
I am with my nephews and kids at the pool. It is a perfectly beautiful summer day, the temperature is ideal, the pool is everything we need; only gorgeous, puffy white clouds appear amongst the backdrop of a pristine blue sky. One of the swimming kids climbs up the ladder to jump into the pool and does so safely, and successfully. Immediately, in those seconds, my heart beats into my throat suffocating me. In those moments of childhood joy, I saw an emergency that I could not unsee. In my mind’s eye, I saw myself running over to the pool and jumping in for a rescue. I see resuscitation efforts and I see having to call 911, calm the others, get to the hospital. I used to tell myself that I did this to “be prepared for the worst” so that I could always handle every situation stoically.
Not knowing that CPTSD was building, prevented me from being able to address it until it became dangerous. What I thought was catastrophic thinking and anxiety was my brain’s way of scanning for and always interpreting all possible dangers. I lived in constant survival mode.
I did not live my life expecting happiness, love, and miracles. Instead, I lived my life in fear. Fear of loss, fear of grief, fear of not having control. Fear of having my life change in an instant without any input from me. Fear that I was not actually ever really living to begin with. Placing this fear in context of my career as a 911 dispatcher, it is years and years of hearing someone come home and find their loved one deceased. It’s leaving for work in the morning not knowing that this will be your last commute before your fatal car accident. It’s not knowing that when you are on vacation, your house burnt down.
Knowing what happens behind closed doors is not an easy burden to shoulder.
When my brain was unraveling, I heard, “isn’t this [job stress] what you signed up for?” The answer is yes. Yes, we do sign up to answer 911, to patrol the streets of neighborhoods, to extinguish the fire that has taken over. Yes, we sign up to clear that baby’s airway, to serve our country, or to be a parent. Sometimes, you are unsure in the moment that what you are experiencing is going to be processed in your brain as “trauma”. Think of it this way; we are given multiple resources to read while pregnant before giving birth about post-partum depression and anxiety. From the OBGYN to the pediatrician, everyone has something to say about the potential for post-partum mental health stress. Yet, we continue to have babies. We continue to grow our families. My point is, yes, I did sign up for the job of being a parent; of helping the community through answering 911. What I did not sign up for was the extraneous bullshit that took up too much space in my brain which did not allow for optimal processing of situations. Therefore, every single situation turned to trauma.
Instead of spinning “the wheel of trauma”, I am writing. I am writing about the good, the bad and the ugly in an uncensored and truthful way. What I have to say is not expressing the opinion of anyone else but myself…and you know what they say about opinions….