So, what now? Part Four
If I could go back to September, would I respond to what was happening around me differently? Absolutely. Hindsight is always the clearest. However, now that this did happen and I’m working on accepting it, I know that I am a completely different, if not better person for having survived it.
This experience affirmed my place in the world and my relationship with the Universe. Many psychologists have studied dissociation and depression, delayed grief and burnout. What I experienced has been referred to as “the dark night of your soul” (LePera, 2021). In “How to do the Work”, Dr. LePera remarks, “It was time for me to come face-to-face with my suffering, my pain, my trauma, and ultimately my true Self. Today I call that incident my dark night of the soul, my rock-bottom. Hitting rock bottom is like a death, and for some of us, it can literally bring us close to death. Death, of course, enables rebirth…” (LePera, 2021).
In June, I graduated from my yoga teacher training; this part of my life felt sureal. I fell in love with teaching and learning about yogic philosophy, I can not get enough. I said multiple times, out loud, “I wish I could do this full time”. The Universe will always present obstacles that will catapult you in the right direction.
When the fog of the dissociating began to lift, I was left with swirling, perseverating thoughts. I had a very difficult time determining what had really happened, versus what I could not remember. When the mental minute was over, I looked in the mirror for the first time in over a week and said, “this can not possibly be my life”. Reminding myself why I was home only deepened the sadness. I felt like my brain turned on me.
Before I was “cleared” to be left alone, I accompanied Ian on a work errand to get fresh air and truthfully my couch requested a break. I remained outside in the truck while he handled what he needed to. Ian’s co-worker, and longtime friend came out to the parking lot to check in on me. I had not had a conversation with another adult about anything at this point and truthfully, I was nervous. In an act of pure human compassion, he said, “you’re still in there kid. You will come out of this, and you will be ok. I went through it too.”
This interaction became my life preserver.
Wait…someone else experienced a “mental minute” and came out on the other side? I am not losing my mind and alone? I clung on to that as my life preserver. That interaction pulled my head above the water line, stamped on my memory and heart forever. This interaction I recall vividly, indicating to me that I was at the end of the worst (Note: I am certainly not discounting the support I received by highlighting this “ah-ha” moment).
And now?
It has been a deeply emotional, heart wrenching few months. When you experience something as life altering as this, you learn who can stand with you and support you and you learn who cannot. In this most enlightening time of my life, I found my circle to have shrunk significantly. I learned that some relationships in my life were not what they seemed. Real, authentic friendship and love can withstand the most difficult of storms. If it’s not authentic and real, it does not have a place in my life. In my transition from people pleasing to authenticity, I have lost the people who benefited the most from me not having healthy boundaries.
I am available in a way I have never been before, to myself, my children, the world. In this presence I am no longer attempting to accomplish every single task possible in a twenty-four-hour period. I can sit with the kids and watch a movie snuggling them so close and smelling their hair. When they ask me to play a game, I can finally say yes without having to clean something or dual task the play with something I deemed "productive". I have been given the gift of patience.
I have the capacity to listen differently. I can hear sounds in a new tone and speed. I can absorb information better than ever before. I am re-reading emails, books, text messages from the past few months allowing them to absorb into my brain where they belong. I hear my kids differently and see them in a way I’ve never. I have been given the gift of mindful interaction.
I am no longer maxed out and irritable all the time. I wake up and feel grateful for having a day ahead of me to live; I no longer lay there waiting for the dread and anger to set in and accompany me throughout my day. I have been given gifts of gratitude and peace.
I am no longer available for anyone or anything that makes me feel anything less than stellar. I am ashamed of myself for accepting the behavior I did from others over the years. I know in my heart that unconditional love exists and does so from the people who are in my life. I no longer focus on what hasn’t happened or who I haven’t heard from and instead focus on what has happened and the incredible amount of love I have been shown. I have been given the gift of presence and self-love.
This comparison was the only way I could allow myself to sit and rest; To color and participate in sound frequency healing. To take naps, baths and meditate. Over and over in my head I had to repeat, “it won’t get better if you don’t make changes”.
So, I did.