This is what I want to tell you.

When we met, I wasn’t sure about you. You were strong and bold, intense and dare I say, piercing. The presentation of those qualities are overwhelming and frankly, I found you to be intimidating but dangerously intriguing.

You were everything I was looking for and nothing that I needed. That is how most toxic relationships begin.

The first time you betrayed me, I was physically ill and unable to leave the solace of a blanket cocoon. It would be hours later before I would consider opening my eyes and trying to piece together all that had happened in what I thought was a dream.

Only, it wasn’t a dream.

Unable to thwart your advances I continued to say “yes” until saying no was the only option presented to me. After that, the lights dim into black nothingness until I awoke; sick, unable to move or remember.  You repeatedly lured me into dropping my guard, exposing the depths of my precious soul to people who did not deserve to know it.

Yet, you could brighten the sun, and this power grabbed ahold of me like an electric shock.

Awake, alive, and uninhibited.

We continued this toxic and poisonous roller coaster for longer than I care to admit.  Our love and eventual hate became a reason, a justification, an excuse, a pardon. There would be times that we would distance ourselves from one another, but it would not take long before the whisper of the ice clinking in a shallow glass would call my name. Like a mermaid siren in the lost lagoon, I would chase you, hopeful to feel the same electricity I felt in the beginning.

On another level, you and me.

You were a companion when I was alone. You knew my hopes and dreams as I poured them out watching the sun set and rise again, lost in conversation. You lifted me up and gave me the shield that I needed to pretend humanity did not disappoint me by exposing me to evil and pain.  

You made me bullet proof. You were courage when I was weak. You were backbone, strength and intuition.

And then, you almost destroyed my life.

In pleading for mercy from the Universe for something, anything to change, I made the choice to leave you behind.

From that moment on, every single part of my life bloomed into the beautifully unique and intricate tapestry that it is today.

You see, in the darkest of times, I rose above you.

No more tears, no more self-induced illness, no more debilitating depressive episodes and deep self-loathing. No. I made you a part of my past.

I thought I would miss you; grieve for you. I thought that social events and celebrations would never be the same.  I could not see a world in which you did not exist inside of. Even though lifting you up in a toast started to feel like hypocrisy creeping through the cracks.

This is what I want to tell you…you almost won. It was a close game until it wasn’t, often you had the advantage, even if you had to strong arm it.  I did not outgrow you or learn to cope in your absence. I straight up decided that you were not what was best for me and never would be. I overcame you.