This is what I want to tell you about my changed life…

This is what I want to tell you about my changed life…

I began this essay with “so much has changed in one year” and then deleted that and typed out “so much has changed in two years”, then that became “so much has changed in four years”. The point is… every single day is different. Every single day brings new joys and tough decisions, new opportunities and messages from the Universe. With those opportunities & signs comes course correction, so naturally everything will be different over a particular span of time.

I digress.

Since the fall of 2023, every single part of my daily routine, life, house, parenting, living, social life, addiction life has changed. Every. Single. Thing. If you’re new here (so glad you’ve joined us!), in the fall of 2023 I burnt out. I was past the point of “struggling with burn out”, “facing burnout”, “impending doom”, or my favorite, “burning the candle at both ends”. The signs were there but I was too busy multi-tasking to see them. Its been described to me as my brain resorted to reptilian mode for survival. And to be honest, there were times when I wasn’t sure I wanted to survive and be in this world anymore.

I chose to “stay one more day” and every single day I am grateful for that choice. Ten ways life has changed around here, and go…

1.      I take the time to read package instructions and follow what the recipe instructs. So often I would glance at measurements and instructions because I never had the time to break down the instructions or read for real. It’s ironic how much better mac and cheese is when you stop guessing the measurements (or recalling a false memorization!)

2.      I am vocal about needing space, a time out, or a do-over. If I start going down a rabbit hole and realize that is not the direction I intended, I immediately stop and reassess, instead of backing a bad position. Even during a complicated discussion, I will ask for a time out so I can gather my thoughts and breathe through what is happening.

3.      I take responsibility for my emotions only. How other people feel is out of my control. I recognize behavior can solicit emotions; I acknowledge and validate not only my own emotions, but those for others as well. This is a game changer for parenting. If I made a decision that resulted in one or any of the kids being upset, I would barter, bribe and beg for the crying, yelling, anger, any of those complicated emotions to stop. Then, I would beat myself up for being the type of parent that pissed their child off. Now? “You can be mad, and I understand that you are sad, however showers are necessary”.

4.      I don’t really leave the house much. This is what happens when you spend well over fifteen years partying your ass off. You reach a point where interacting with strangers is completely and utterly exhausting; being out just isn’t worth it.

5.      Every single day since September 20,2023 I have discovered something new about myself. Once I met my authentic self, I started asking her the real questions. What shampoo do YOU like? What is YOUR favorite food? What do YOU want to do with your down time? What is YOUR favorite color?  As a lifelong people pleaser, I would hang on to anything anyone else offered, in a desperate attempt not to rock the boat or cause difference.

6.      I work hard every single day to approach challenges differently. Over stimulation still happens. Anger and frustration still bubble up and take over. However, how I react to that is very different than before. Instead of allowing my emotions to run the show, I am in charge. Because I have allowed my emotions a safe place to settle into, they are no longer interfering with every single aspect of life, such as breaking a steering wheel in anger.

7.      I became my own advocate.  An ex-boyfriend referred to me as “low maintenance” in a complementary way and that was the identity I adopted, even though it was already brewing from childhood. “No that’s ok, I don’t need air in the car”, “No, that’s ok the temperature is fine”, “No, I’m not hungry”. If I thought for one second that I could possibly put someone out by advocating for my comfort, I would steel trap the mouth.  

8.      Every day I meet a different Melissa and when I do I assess where she came from and what she needs. In other words, I am tending to the wounds my traumas have left me with. When a memory pops into my thinking brain and I am transported to an event that occurred in the past, I do not dwell on how I behaved in that memory. I don’t judge it either. I know WAY more about life now than I ever did then. I feel for that Melissa. She was going through so much and felt heartbreakingly alone.

9.      I know that I am worth the work it takes to heal the old shit. When I feel a repressed memory evolving, I nurture that immediately. In any way that I can. Ultimately, it’s rocking back and forth in the bathtub, but if I am not home, I can head to a restroom and just reach my arms across my body for a self-hug. It’s not the long term, but in that moment, I can tell myself, “I see you and I know we have some work to do”.

10. I put down my phone. I listened to “Social Media Detox” by Steve Harris. He said that when we leave the real world to check into Instagram and Facebook, we are leaving the real world to check in on a virtual world. A world that does not truly exist. Wait, WHAT? That resonated with me BIG TIME. Do you know what message is sent to the people you are with if you are scrolling social media while actively engaged in a conversation? Did you even realize you were doing it? Becoming aware of habits and patterns is one thing. Making a commitment to change how you respond is another.

This list is not exclusive, but ten is a good number.

The stressors of life are still present. I still have dead parents, I still have a monument of debt, I still have a child with serious medical needs, and I still have the stress of parenting and being married. However, I also now have compassion. I feel compassion for the human being that I am today and compassion for the human being I was yesterday.

All the time I would hear, “I don’t know how you do it”, “Don’t forget to take care of you too”, “Your plate is already pretty full”, “Are you sure you don’t’ mind”? I considered my ability to say “YES” to all and juggle it all while holding my breath and standing on one foot was my unique superpower. I thought that combating stress and conquering the productivity requirements of life, made me a superhero with superpowers. If you asked me then what I would consider my superpower to be? I would say, my ability to pretend. I would pretend so much that I would believe my own pretending. I pretended not to feel anxious or scared; I pretended not to mind and not to be put out. I pretended not to be hurt, or scared, or anything that would allow me to stand out.  And I pretended that I deserved how I was allowing people to treat me.

I am grateful that I “stayed one more day”. I am grateful for every change, every discovery and every affirmation. I am grateful for the work, the transformation, and the authentic love for myself that I have found.