"Monsters"
The following is an excerpt from an assignment I completed for my yoga teacher training. "Soundtrack to your life" required the student to choose three songs that were representative of your life or a time in your life. Interesting how relevent this experience is to my life right now.
I have not made any changes to the original writing and will warn that the content is blunt and difficult.
“Monsters” by Shinedown
The qualities that have allowed me to excel in my career have destroyed my imagination and my ability to be rational in most situations. The qualities that have earned me the respect of multiple Chiefs of law enforcement and the fire service have robbed me of the simplest joy found in watching your toddler walk. My ability to be stoic, strong, and calm in the most hellish of situations has crippled me in parking lots, grocery stores and playgrounds.
“Good for you, you fooled everybody. Good for you, you fooled everyone” …being a 911 dispatcher is wrapped into a beautiful package of “the first, first responder” or “the ears of an emergency”. A profession that allows you to help the community in their most intimate times of need. When someone has an emergency, they dial 911. What they report, the trauma they have endured, now becomes embedded in the mind of the person who answered the call. The cruel reality that there really are bad guys in the dark and monsters under the bed is the horrible truth a 911 dispatcher faces.
The wife that comes home to her husband, dead on the couch. The woman who was tortured and burned with a cigarette. The neglected child who withered away from dehydration. The pedestrian who tried to cross the street and was struck by a car and killed. The Mom who comes home to her child who hung himself. The man who hunts down his soon to be ex-wife and ends her life in the closet of her bedroom while her children are sleeping. The officer who is one of your best friends, during an armed robbery suspect search doesn’t answer the call on his radio. The idea that people can start their day without knowing they may not see the end of it has permeated my soul, embedded in my brain and burned my heart.
“’Cause my monsters are real, and they’re trained how to kill. And there’s no comin’ back and they just laugh at how I feel. And these monsters can fly, and they’ll never say die. And there’s no goin’ back, if I get trapped, I’ll never heal…”
When I started my career at twenty-six years old, I did not know the depth of evil lurking in this world. I did not know that I would be forever haunted by the stories of human suffering; I had no idea how deep of an empath I would become. I didn’t know I would lay awake at night thinking about the spouses, children, mothers, fathers, co-workers – all strangers to me whom I’ve never met. The people who innocently went about their day with no knowledge that it will turn into the worst day of their lives. The idea that trauma, danger, devastation, and destruction is peering around every corner is what jolts me awake when I have finally fallen asleep.
“Leave your weapon on the table, wrapped in burlap, barely able. Don’t get angry, don’t discourage…take a shot of liquid courage.”
Talking about what haunts humanity is frowned upon in law enforcement. There is the deep-rooted notion that police officers and fire fighters are the toughest of the tough. They handle what the average person could not. “Let’s get a drink”, “I blacked out”, and “I’m hungover” are much more accepted than “how are you feeling” “can I hold space for you” and “It’s ok to cry”.
There will always, always be a part of me that absolutely loves that I chose this career. I placed in the position I was in order to do the behind the scenes work of making a difference. In the classic scenario of would you do it all over again knowing what you know now? I can’t honestly say I know the answer.
“Leave the light on if you’re able, ‘cause we both know you’re unstable. Call a doctor, say a prayer…choose a God you think is there”.